Risking love, part 4 – finding hope

After my day of emotional purging, I was ready to reunite with my girl. Worries crept into my mind as I patiently rode the train down to where she lived. There was palpable distance between us now, and I feared that it would be a distance that perhaps I would not be able to close. I told my girl not to meet me at the train station like usual -instead I would take the local public transportation and then walk to get to her apartment. I wanted her to see that I was not expecting anything from her -that if need be, I could take care of myself and return to San Francisco if things wouldn’t work for me to stay. My heart quickened as I approached her doorstep. It was clear to me how much I cared about this girl and desperately wanted us to find mutual ground where we could both be okay and on the same page.

I arrived, opened the door to my girl’s apartment, and came to discover that she was no where to be found inside. Confused, I figured she must have gone to do her laundry. I turned to look towards the laundry room at which point in time I found her walking towards me from the pool where she had just been reading. It was nice to see her and I noticed myself have a strong flash of desire and hope that things would go well with our talk. We headed indoors, chatted for a bit, and then set to talking about “us stuff.” There was still a noticeable sense of distance between us but my impression was that it would be mend-able with a little discussion. I asked my girl if she had read my blog where I admitted my secret of having feelings of love for her. She said that she had. Next, I apologized and accepted responsibility for allowing myself to get more attached and deeply connected to my girl than, perhaps, I should have in lieu of her warnings that she still had potential feelings for someone else. I briefly told my girl how hard and painful (yet also fascinating and amazing) it had been for me yesterday to go through so many intense feelings in response to hearing her decision to go and see what she might have with the guy from her past. Hearing about the degree of hurt that I had experienced appeared to be hard for my girl. She doubled into a ball and lay motionless and expressionless on her bed for several moments. I tried to explain to her that I did not hold her fully accountable for the intensity of my pain -I had allowed myself to feel love for her despite her warnings for me not to and therefore it was my responsibility that I was in as much pain as I was. I also reiterated to my girl that I really care deeply for her and, as such, it was my intention to fully support her decision to follow her own heart to go and see what she might have with the man from her past. She seemed more surprised by my offer of support than I would have guessed. I had told her earlier that I intended to support her even though I didn’t want her to go -but it seemed to me that perhaps she thought that my not wanting to go wouldn’t coexist with me supporting her decision to go. Slowly the distance between us began to close throughout the rest of the evening. I asked her if I could stay overnight and she said “yes.” I told her that I wanted to still go to Disneyland with her and she appeared pleased and relieved by that. With time and continued trust, much to my relief, we eventually wound up being okay. With time I came to learn that my girl viewed my decision to support her as “courageous.” This made me feel very good.

Courage is something that I will need much of as October approaches and my girl’s date with the man from her past draws increasingly near. I can sense in myself growing anxiety and fear about the worst that could happen to me following my girl’s date with the man from her past: that it might prompt a situation where I lose my girl. I have never had my heart fully broken -mainly because I have almost never fully allowed myself to fall in love with anyone. With my girl, getting my heart broken is a very real possibility. I am left, now, with two choices: to forfeit to fear and run away before I get hurt so that, at least, I’d feel in control of my loss; or, to take a chance on love -to have faith in myself and my wealth of gifts that make me an excellent lover. How on earth could I ever not chose the later option. Every movie, every book, every story, every song -they all say with an emphatic and resounding “yes!” that love must win out against fear at all costs. When I look deep into my heart the answer is clear: I’m going to take a chance on myself and on this girl. Our love together, if given the chance, could be something incredibly amazing and fulfilling! Another very real possibility could be that things for she and I don’t work out. I hate to think of the heartbreak that would cause me -yet, to deny my heart the chance to see what “could be” would be the greatest betrayal that I could ever lay upon myself and my mission in life.

The Lost video below very aptly portrays the excitement and mix of feelings that I notice myself having with decision to stay strong and hope for the best with my relationship with my girl. Each character in the video feels like a part of myself and a part of how I feel about my situation -particularly Sun, who is very deeply invested and quietly hopeful.

With my decision to stand tall for love I will turn to prayer, faith, and hope for comfort. In any outcome I will emerge a better man -and if I am lucky, a better man with a love. (THE END.)

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