To die? “To die would be a great adventure!”

“Strike me down and I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.” – Obi-Wan Kenobi

Finally some news about getting into grad school -if only it was what I wanted to hear. CIIS says that I’m 4th in line on the admission waiting list. They also intimated that 4th in line is most likely too far down on the list for me to make it in to grad school this year. This news is a double edge sword. On one hand I am very upset, confused, angered, and hurt over not knowing why they didn’t take me. On the other hand -at least now I have a direction to move in instead of agonizing over not knowing. I’m trying to piece together a plan B that will make the most out of the year that I will have until CIIS will take me. (For those of you that don’t know -CIIS told me that I could be guaranteed admission to their program for Fall 2011 if I don’t get in this year. So that’s good… it just means that I have to wait an extra year before I get into grad school). I recall this guy who says that walls are just put up to filter out the other people who don’t want what they want bad enough. I’m doing my best to genuinely hold faith that whatever road I take will be the right road for me. Still, I am human and my faith does waiver -it certainly feels as though it is being put to the test right now.

Allow me to take you to my emotional mind right now, if you will. What if everything that I have worked hard for, everything that I thought I was, every intuition that told me that I was uniquely special in some way -what if all of that was wrong? -Just a lie that I kept up to keep myself motivated. What if my orange sweatshirt really has no magical powers at all? Maybe I’m just a joke -just some lazy boring cliché guy that thought he was on top of the world but really he just lived in a bubble of silly imagined fantasy. Take Peter Pan for example. If you can excuse the cheesiness that follows the moment that I am about to indicate in the video, at 1:55 captain Hook traps Peter during their duel to the death. There is this moment where Hook breaks the reality (or non-reality?) of the movie and becomes the voice of self-doubt that people like me fear. (Watch the video)

Hook is such a great movie -that it can (forgive the pun) hook onto themes that touch what adults face while also being a great children’s story. I am Peter Pan! But wait… No, I’m not. I’m Seth. I’m Seth -and I just got rejected from grad school. Misfortune like that doesn’t happen to Peter -that’s not how the story goes. Am I trying to rectify reality with idealism and fantasy? Is that something that everyone does? Are there people who turn their back on one aspect or another? (i.e., people that deny fantasy and live a straight forward life? People who deny reality and live in the world that they make in their heads?) Is this another instance of needing to find a balance? Probably. Cue the writer! I’m always talking about being my own writer of my life’s story. I’m supposedly at the helm of deciding my own direction in life, right? Well, also, at least, if I’m not choosing my own life direction then I can write my interpretation of that destiny, right?

Right now I’m just sitting here fascinated by the writers block that I’m experiencing. Poetically and ironically, here I am writing about how I have writers block (well, metaphoric writers block, anyway). Metaphoric in the sense that I am dumbfounded, for the moment, about how I’m going to interpret my rejection from grad school as a positive thing. What does all of this mean? Why didn’t I get accepted to grad school when I am ready and it is so clear to me that I would be so great at CIIS. How did that not come across?! What happened? At no point in my life have I ever felt this ready to move forward with something only to find the engines stalling again and again. It doesn’t seem right! All my life I have felt secretly in control of manifesting the things that I truly deeply have wanted for myself -things tended to just end up happening for me one way or another. I would want it -and there it would be! Now I’m in a place where what I want is more resounding than ever… and there is no delivery. Where did my angel go? Did I do something wrong? Is there something wrong with me? I feel stuck in an internal conflict. Aptly, my emotional struggle can be personified in the characters of Roger and Mimi from Rent in this number:

Has my fire burned out? Do I become spurned like Roger -let my heart turn cold? Let my faith die? Or do I listen to Mimi and believe in passion and love despite fear? Do I learn to see and own the moment and its glory even in the face of despair and annihilation? For those of you that know me -the choice is clear. It certainly became clear to me when listening to the song. Mimi is so captivating -she is my answer. I am so grateful for shows that can help me bleed -shows like Rent. I must make it my practice to bring art like Rent to life -or, perhaps, to help people connect to it (through therapy?). Okay Mimi -I’m going to choose your path. Now where are you? If only Mimi’s offering was as concrete and visible as it is in the musical. Oh, that’s right -we’re living in reality. Not a musical. I guess we’re back to the “finding a balance” solution again. Where can I find a “real life Mimi” to start me down the road of plan B until grad school will take me in a year.

I kid you not: the first plan B idea to hit my head following the initial shock, disappointment, and pain over not getting accepted to grad school came to me without direct cognitive intent: Without really understanding why, I started singing the “Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes” song from Rent to myself in my head. See -my theatre tech friends in Concord have all been really excited by the fact that Rent the musical is coming to our theatre this August. I, initially, was disappointed that I’d miss getting to work on such an awesome show since I’d be in grad school by the time it opened, but HEY! Now that it is likely that I won’t be going to grad school for a year -that frees me up to be able to tech the show! Isn’t that kind of cool? It’s so funny how things will just arrive to your brain. The “five hundred…” song also happens to fit quite well with my situation: by not getting into grad school for a year I now have 525,600 minutes to do with as I choose. How am I going to spend those? I think a good place to start is, as the song suggests, with “Love.”

I can’t be stopped …Let’s do this.

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4 Responses to To die? “To die would be a great adventure!”

  1. Alex says:

    You keep saying you got rejected, and if you want to look at it that way, that’s fine. You also could look at it like you have a longer admission time than most. Guaranteed admission in 2011. It is time to accept that everything is working for you, and trust that this extra year is necessary. It IS. Otherwise you wouldn’t get the opportunity to relax, make some money, and become the best version of yourself you can.

    … Now… I think THAT blog project would be worth writing.

    • Kristin says:

      I couldn’t of said it better myself!

    • Seth Wright says:

      I think that the reasons that I choose to view my situation as rejection is because that makes me feel righteous and angry -feelings which tend to motivate me. The truth is… I haven’t even been all-out rejected yet -it is just leaning more in that direction now. I could still get accepted. I think part of me needs to view my situation as rejection so that I can at least move on in some direction rather than waiting in agony. And hey -if I end up properly not getting in in 2010 then at least I’ll already have a mastery over my feelings of rejection. If I do get in then I have the “fun” of getting to experience what it would feel like going both directions -getting accepted AND getting rejected.

      Yes, there is merit in looking at the situation in a “positive light” but I’m not in that place yet -mainly because I had my whole next year mapped out in ways that were essential to me getting in to grad school. I am struggling to find what I’m going to do in the event that that doesn’t work out. I wish I had the faith to trust that my year off WILL be an “opportunity to relax, make money, etc..” but I’m having a hard time seeing how I’m going to make that happen. For the past 2 years I haven’t been able to “relax” or “make money” -at least as much as I would have liked. It is hard for me to believe that next year will be any different -especially because I feel pretty clear that I want to leave my current job (which has an income which I’ve grown to become dependent on) “You’re a slave to money, then you die.” -I believe it was Radio Head that said that? G’ah. It feels like either I can have money and feel be unhappy with my job or I can be happy with my job and not have money. It isn’t clear to me where I can find the balance right now.

  2. Kristin says:

    Now I’m jelly though, that I am so far and will miss Rent. One of my favourite musicals of all time.
    The universe has a plan for you Seth, and all of us have great faith in you! Things all happen for a reason, for the best and for the greater good. You just don’t see it at first, if your mind is clouded with negative thoughts. I can still understand how easy it is to dwell in the negative, but luckily things in the fantasy realm tend to help us lighten our minds, and remind us how precious life really is! In short…what Alex said! hehe. Take care and enjoy!

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